I know, I know. I’m a few days late with my third installment of “The Week in White Deviance,” but never fear, my tardiness is hardly related to a lack of compelling material. Oh no, there’s plenty of evidence yet again this week that white culture, the white family, and perhaps even white America, writ large, is in a full-scale moral free-fall! It’s just that I’ve been so busy responding to the typical right-wing blah-blah-blah about the social dysfunctions of black people, and how it’s the black community that we really need to fear (projection isn’t just for the movie reel!), that I haven’t been able to finish up the weekly supplement of white cray-cray until now.

Now, once again, let me point out, I do not actually believe that the criminal and pathological acts of individuals can reasonably serve as indicators of group traits or tendencies; but to the extent the right insists on making those interstitial leaps in the case of black and brown miscreants, it’s only fair that we turn the lens back around on ourselves. After all, that’s what “personal responsibility” requires, no?

So, let us begin.

And what better place to begin than with the weekly revelation — and literally, it seems to happen every week — that white teachers are on a statutory rapin’ spree? Good God almighty, seriously? Another one? Or actually, another four?

First, it’s Nicole Jacques — she with the sexy French last name and the dirty text message habit — who, to her credit, resigned from the Christian school where she worked before molesting her former student, but still, really? WWJD Nicole? Not send dick pics to his nasty schoolmarm, that’s for damned sure. And so off you go, Darling Nikki, for just under two years because, obviously, the breakdown of the white, Christian family, has led you to think sex with an underage teen is acceptable behavior.

And then we have Jennifer McNeill, a 6th grade teacher from Alabama — another place famous for its conservative, white Christian values (and we all know what that means) — who is accused of having an ongoing “sexual relationship” with an underage boy. And by sexual relationship, I mean raping an underage boy. Perhaps the unacceptability of molesting children hasn’t filtered down to the backwards, culturally depraved environs of Chilton County, Alabama, but that’s no excuse. At some point, white teachers need to just step away from the raging hormones and lithe bodies of their adolescent charges and stop. Just stop. They’re ruining it for all the good white teachers out there, of whom I’m told there are still a few left. As for the school superintendent, he says he’s shocked by McNeill’s behavior. Yeah well, I’m not. And I think we all know why.

Or how about Rachelle Gendron, a sex ed teacher — oh sure, how convenient is that, ya predator? — who is alleged to have had sex on multiple occasions with a 14 year old (hey white people, that shit’s illegal, cut it out), and flashing her boobs and genitals to him in one or another raunchy electronic communication. As a sex ed teacher, I’m sure she’ll say it was just the boy’s homework, because folks like this always have excuses. This happened at a charter school, by the way, so, ya know, so much for that idea; and of course, the locals are stunned that something like that could “happen around here” — and by “here” they mean, Fitchburg, Massachusetts, and by stunned, I mean, why? After all, Fitchburg is about 60 percent non-Hispanic white, so, yeah…The good news is that the community is becoming increasingly Latino, and so perhaps in another decade or so, as teachers of color begin to replace the white ones, the children of Fitchburg will once again be safe.

And then there’s preschool teacher, Connie Ramirez (don’t let the last name fool ya), who is white (Well, dirty white, but still, Anglo), and was allegedly making child porn, and, ya know, also taking pictures of herself engaged in various sex acts with a dog, which she lured into her sexual lair with peanut butter (smooth, no doubt).

I just…I can’t…no…I don’t even know where to…Make it stop white people.

Apparently her boyfriend — some culturally depraved old white dude named William Brock, who tells neighborhood kids to call him Santa Claus (uh huh, yep, he’s that guy) — was also in on the kiddie porn ring, which is sadly all too common among the white folks nowadays, as I discussed in a previous week’s installment.

And wait a minute, what the hell? White girls are abandoning their newborn babies again and leaving them to die? I thought that went out in the late ’90s, with that girl who had a baby at prom and left it in a bathroom so she could get back out on the dance floor; but no, apparently it’s making the white cultural rounds again, sorta like Pop Rocks and Rubik’s Cube. Anyway, Amanda Catherine Hein was watching a pay-per-view wrestling event at a sports bar (Hot Damn, girl!) in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, when suddenly she was all, “ooh, I’m having some back pain,” (mmm-hmmm, maybe it’s cuz you’re in labor, dumbass), and so she got up to go to the bathroom at the sports bar — which is an awesome place to be when you’re 36 weeks pregnant — and proceeded to give birth to a child, who she then wrapped in plastic and stuck in the tank of a toilet where, of course, the baby died. Nothing more to say here. Some crimes are just too sickening for much of a punch line, and this is definitely one of them.

But some white moms don’t throw their babies away, and that’s an important thing to acknowledge. In fact, some white moms are so caring and considerate towards their babies that they will actually give their son a ride when he needs to sell some smack across town. The fact that the heroin buyer was an undercover cop? Well, that was unexpected, and so, yes, momma’s helped land her boy (and herself) in jail. But now her heart was in the right place.

Speaking of drugs, hey frat boys — and especially the Pikes at Florida International — when you solicit drugs on Facebook, you’re going to get busted. Just sayin.’ And if you really need social networking to score weed, what kind of weak-ass fraternity are you anyway? Nice goin!

And what’s up with white people and drunk driving? Several weeks ago I noted, in all seriousness, the data indicating that whites are especially likely to drive drunk, relative to people of color — and just to drink heavy generally, as in, like fishes — and now we have more visual evidence of the same, in the person of Maryland Republican lawmaker, Don Dwyer. Dwyer, who recently was busted for drunkenly piloting a boat, apparently learned his lesson from that incident. And by “learned his lesson,” I mean, stopped boating while drunk and started driving cars that way instead. Specifically, a 2001 Cadillac DeVille (1979 called: they’d like their sweet ride back).

When arrested most recently, Dwyer insisted that he’d only had two beers, and by “two beers” he meant too many Goddamned beers. The conservative legislator also blamed his drunken boating accident — in which several people were injured including a 5-year old girl whose skull was fractured — on his separation from his wife, and the fact that his legislative colleagues had “betrayed him” by supporting same-sex marriage. Now first off, why would any woman separate from a winner like this? And secondly, um, what is it about white conservatives that makes them so afraid of the gays? Inquiring minds want to know….It’s the white part isn’t it Don? No really…it is, right?

Oh, and this (which does involve blow jobs, but totally hetero, so don’t worry Don Dwyer) is all kinds of awesome, if by awesome we mean evidence of the utter downfall of Western civilization. So, turns out these two white people (natch) were on an airplane, and he’s all like, “Hey, wanna suck my dick?” And she’s all like, “Sure, that’s why I got this seat in the back, ya know, by the crapper, cuz that’s hot,” and so she does, and then he finishes, and she wipes off her mouth (because this is a classy flight, after all), and then they order drinks…and then she does it again. Kudos, Mr. Christopher Martin, vineyard owner! Not all guys can pull that off, so to speak. As for you, Ms. Jessica Stroble, the next time the flight attendant comes by, remember, she asked if you wanted peanuts, not penis.

And ooh, um, so, Andrew Martin, E.R. nurse — no relation I’m assuming to Christopher, he of the Mile High Club — did you really think it was a good idea to try and hire one of your emergency room patients as a hit man to kill someone? I’m just saying; were you all, “Hey, so I know you’re a little groggy right now, cuz we’ve got you on a morphine drip and all, but there’s this guy I really need to whack, and other than the gaping wound you got goin’ on there, you look like just the guy to do it!?” I mean, really?

Oh, and white people, please: no one is trying to take your effing guns…and especially not the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Department. These are the guys who work for Joe Arpaio, for God’s sakes: the craziest, gun-slingenest, anti-Obama-iest lawman in America. So when one of Joe’s underlings comes up to you and asks you why you’re patrolling the interstate in camo and waving your guns around, a) don’t point your weapon at him you dumbshit, b) don’t ask him for identification; that’s your job, dickhead, and c) don’t say something really asshat worthy like Richard Malley did in exactly this scenario last week, when he blurted out “you arent taking my weapons.” Because actually, now he is taking them. When you get arrested, that happens. They don’t let you take your weapons (or your camo by the way) into jail. In fact, pretty soon, Sheriff Joe will have you prancing around in a pink jumpsuit. Try looking all militia-bad-ass in that!

And speaking of militia types, we have David Allen Brutsche and Devon Campbell Newman, who were arrested for plotting to kidnap and kill Las Vegas police officers. And although I’d love to tell you it was because they were still pissed about the LVPDs apparent unwillingness to solve the killing of Tupac, needless to say, that’s not it. Nope, these two are members of the “sovereign citizen” movement — an anti-government bunch whose adherents have killed several officials around the country in the past decade. Brutsche is also pissed at the government, in all likelihood, because it previously prosecuted his sorry white ass for sexual offenses against children. So, this winner is a real two-fer in the pantheon of white pathology: a wing nut terrorist and a perv all in one. As they say in Vegas: Jackpot!

But finally, just to top things off for the week (and hasn’t this one been special?), let’s go to Simi Valley — home of the jurors who thought nothing of the beating of Rodney King — and see what the white folks are doing there nowadays! Oh holy shit! They’re killing their moms, burning down the family home and then trying to get away from the cops on a tractor. Wow, I gotta say, even I did not see that one comin’! A tractor! Cuz, nothing says getaway car like John Deere.

Oh well, gotta run, but check in next week (or thereabouts) for another installment of “The Week in White Deviance.” I have high hopes for another batch of delicious dysfunctions and proof of pathology that will make even the most open-minded of sociologists scratch their heads and openly wonder, what’s wrong with whitey?

See ya then.