The Week in White Deviance, Week 2: A Cultural Cry for Help

Well, another week has gone by, and once again we have a treasure trove of evidence to suggest that there is something seriously wrong in Pleasantville, by which I mean white America of course. Now I don’t mean all white people, mind you, or the entirety of white America, so don’t think I’m being racist. I don’t hate white people. I mean, some of my best friends are white, my wife is white, my kids are white…hell, I’m white; but seriously, when it comes to the broader, you know…white culture, well, something has gone seriously off the rails

Unfair you say? What’s that? It’s wrong to generalize about an entire group based upon the anecdotal examples I’m about to share with you? But that can’t be true, seeing as how white racists are always so quick to point to various destructive behaviors, or dysfunctions, or misdeeds in the black community, or Latino community as evidence of some larger cultural rot. Surely, if the crimes and pathologies of people of color are linked indelibly to their race, either biologically (as Nazis think) or culturally (as Bill O’Reilly and most every conservative in America does) then so too must there be something about whiteness that explains crazy shit like this

What better place to begin than with a fine upstanding representative of the white male serial killer club? Although most white men are not serial killers, there is no doubt that most serial killers are white men, sorta like Joseph Naso, currently on trial in Northern California. Naso is charged with four murders dating back to the ’70s, but is suspected of raping, assaulting and possibly murdering many more, dating back nearly sixty years. His victims, all sex workers, had the same first and last initials, which is to say that apparently this white male serial killer also has a bizarre form of OCD, which will serve him very well in his no doubt fastidious jail cell. Oh, and as a white guy he naturally thinks himself so incredibly competent that he has opted to be his own lawyer in court. Good move whitey! Nothing like a little narcissism to drive home the point that white culture has damaged you greatly.

And then WTF? There’s this: a beauty queen — and not just any beauty queen but a Utah beauty queen (oh, and did I mention she’s white? Oh yeah, I said Utah, so the odds were good) — tossing bombs from a car! Little homemade bombs, made of shrapnel and toilet bowl cleaner out the window of a car! What culturally defective school did you attend Miss Kendra Gill, where you learned such terroristic behavior? Are the Mormons running their own al-Qaeda camps about which the rest of us should be aware? Did Osama bin Osmond teach you how to do that? And although people appear to be making excuses for you — because you were an honor student or something — I think we all know that, in the end, the pathology of white culture and its inexorable gravitational pull towards random, meaningless delinquency will trump good grades any day. It’s called reverting to the mean. Look it up…honor student.

And oh my God, it’s happened again. Remember last week when I brought to your attention the obvious dangers posed by people who look like Mickael Chiklis, the actor? Yeah, well, looks like there’s another one to once again confirm the stereotype: This time a cop in Greenville, Tennessee who was surfing for child porn on his patrol car computer. So, a perv and a genius all in one! Awesome! Granted, he does look more like Vincent D’Onofrio’s character in Full Metal Jacket, but still, bald, white, and male. Need we say more? I think not: time for a little stop-and-frisk, Kojak.

Oh and speaking of child porn, um, what up Indiana? I mean, damn, I know not all Hoosiers are white, but come on now, everybody knows the way that white culture permeates the place, and yet — or maybe because of that fact, hmmm? — Indiana has had 10 times the number of child porn arrests as a much more populous (and supposedly criminal-infested) New York City, and even two-and-a-half times more than that hotbed of black and brown iniquity known as Chicago! Where are the culture cops, ready to explain to the world what it is about the cornfields of middle America that produces this kind of exploitative deviance?

And please, don’t waste my time telling me how the kiddie porn aficionados are not representative of white people, and how it’s unfair to judge all whites by the acts of a few. Yeah, well, tell it to the folks at American Renaissance — the premier highbrow white supremacist site on the web — who make sure to highlight every crazy, over the top crime by a black person as proof of some genetic predisposition to violence. Hello goose, meet gander…moving on now…

Oh, and wait, back to serial killing, cuz, ya know, it’s a white thing…you wouldn’t understand…

So we have David Kwiatkowski, a traveling hospital tech, who has pled guilty to deliberately infecting patients with Hepatitis C, resulting so far in the death of one and the possible deaths of several others. By his own admission his actions were “killing a lot of people.” Fantastic…another white male “angel of death.” Just what we need. At what point will we start screening out these white men from jobs as techs and nurses, given their historic propensity to try and kill the folks under their care?

Oh, and here we go again, yet another white teacher molesting her underage students. What’s the deal with this, seriously? How can white people keep getting teaching gigs with all the clear and overwhelming evidence (as noted last week) that a disturbing percentage of such folks — especially blonde white women apparently — are sexual predators? And yes, I know that the teacher says she’s innocent, and that her phone was hacked by someone who just so happened to send around the naked pictures she just so happened to have on her phone to a bunch of different boys.Maybe so, but if so, I’ll betcha $20 the hacker was white too, cuz they almost always are.

But at least the white teacher in California who was recently caught packaging up some meth to send through the mail — meth, now there’s a white drug — didn’t have sex with her students, so there’s still hope for the white educators of America.

And dude, really? So, when you checked your bank balance on your ATM and found out you were out of money, your first thought was to rob the bank? And then when you robbed it, you only asked for $1000 to cover your drug debt? I mean, really? Hell, if you’re gonna rob the joint, might as well go big. At $1000 a pop, you’d have had to do the whole thing over again in like a week. And why didn’t you just do what black folks do when they’re broke. In lots of poor black neighborhoods they don’t even have ATM machines or banks, but they have payday loan places and pawn shops and shit. See this is what happens: white privilege gives you the advantage of a local bank branch and your own personal PIN, and still you gotta go all criminal. Next time, why not just do the really white thing, and write a hot check to pay for your crack? I’m sure the dealer would have been happy to take a personal check from you, what with your being white and all. Probably wouldn’t have even asked for ID.

And remember that guy last week who was setting up gang bangs in Minnesota but got caught because he was advertising them on Twitter, printing up (and apparently carelessly dropping) business cards and then charging men to have sex with women? Yeah, well don’t think for one minute that white folks took a week off from some crazy sexual stuff. Oh hell no: so for instance, we have Ms. Terry Boyd, of Wisconsin, who apparently kept two men trapped inside her home until one of them agreed to have sex with her. Clearly she has some entitlement issues. Must be the whiteness.

Gee it reminds me of some other interesting tidbits of evidence suggesting some rather disturbing (or at least interesting) sexual proclivities among the pale-skinned. Like these two young lovers who thought it would be cool, and completely appropriate to have sex on a restaurant table in front of children and families, and then not even have the decency to pay their bill at the end of the night. Or Amanda Linscott, who pulled a gun on a guy she was having sex with in a car…while the guy was driving the car. Because not only is sex in a moving vehicle safe, shooting somebody while they drive is even safer! Or Gerard Streator, also of Wisconsin (like the sex kidnapper lady from a few seconds ago — hmmm, sensing a trend here!), who, drumroll please, had sex with a sofa. Gerard, Gerard, your wife said for you to go “sleep on the couch,” because you were snoring; not to sleep with the couch, because you’re a sick bastard. Or Valerie Nile, who got so bummed when the threesome she’d been planning with her neighbors failed to materialize that she pulled out some knives and threatened to stab them if they didn’t fulfill their neighborly promise…because nothing will get a guy in the mood for sex like some sharp knives in the vicinity, White folks, when will you learn? Just put on some Barry White or something. No need for violence!

Anyway, that’ll do it for this week in white deviance, but check in again soon! I’m sure next week at this time we’ll have yet more concrete proof that white culture is in need of a moral enema, or at least the soothing and palliative balm of a good Leave it to Beaver marathon on Nick at Nite…anything to stop the descent into societal madness that has become our hallmark as of late.

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