The Week in White Deviance: Or Daaaammm…Why Are We So Crazy??

Every week it seems as though we get more and more evidence suggesting that something is seriously wrong with white culture and the white community that keeps on reproducing it. And sadly, white leaders seem reluctant to address the problems. They would rather point fingers at others, shifting blame for various social crises onto black folks, forgetting that personal responsibility — the right-wing mantra — means personal responsibility. As in, ya know, you. In other words, it is time for white conservatives, in keeping with the notion of personal responsibility to toughen up and have the courage to face the myriad pathologies in our own communities and to figure out what it is about white culture that can explain them.

And so, let us review the week in white deviance.

First, what is it about white culture that causes white men to kidnap young girls with whom they’re obsessed, after burning down that girl’s family’s home and killing her mom and brother? I mean that is some crazy shit. Why can’t adult white men at least wait until the objects of our affection attain legal age before burning down their homes, killing their families and taking them on an extended, involuntary road trip? And what’s with the whole “boobytrapping” thing, in order not to get caught? Why do white men gotta be all MacGyver when we go on the lam?

What’s up with that?

Oh, and why are white people so nasty? I mean, did you hear about Scott Pollock, this creepy dude in Minnesota who was setting up gang-bangs for a living? And not just that, but advertising that shit on Twitter? Yeah, as in, “Woo-Hoo, Gang Bang 2nite #getyourfuckon” What. In. The. Hell? According to the criminal complaint, Pollock was busted at a Quality Inn (because what hotel chain says gang-bang better than a Quality Inn?), when undercover cops paid $20 to screw some 45-year old (probably also white) woman, who was trying to bang 45 guys in one night for her birthday. Eeeeew!. Come on white people! Just stop it already. Forty-five guys in one night? And that’s your birthday gift to yourself? Gonorrhea? What’s wrong with a hot stone massage? Oh wait, that’s what you thought a hot stone massage meant? OK, never mind then, but still, really?*

And speaking of nasty — but like, a different kind of nasty — what is it about whiteness that explains all this hoarding bullshit? Like, just piling up garbage in your house and letting it rot for years at a time? You ever see those hoarding shows on TV? Now I know that occasionally there are some black and brown folks on there, climbing over a decade’s worth of their own shit and bottles of piss and plates of food that have been there since that Minnesota gang-bang woman was only doing 21 guys in one night to celebrate finally being able to drink legally; but don’t pretend you didn’t notice how the overwhelming majority are pasty white. What’s up with that? Why do white people care so little about our homes? Why do we care so little for ourselves that we will live in squalor, on purpose? And then when city officials try and make us clean up our disgusting funk pits, or threaten to take our property because it’s a health hazard, why do we go all ape shit and start shooting people, like that Rockne Newell guy in Pennsylvania this week? I mean really now, why so quick to violence? Why no impulse control? And when will white political officials and civic leaders speak out?

And then there’s this wacko, who wasn’t content to live in her own shit and piss, so she was hoarding cats (103 of them), so as to really ramp up the ammonia and fecal load. Nice. So when might the SPCA address the clearly white pathology of animal cruelty?

And oh, wait, back to the crazy sex ish. Sorry. Thought I was done with that, and then this came over the wire: some Grizzly Adams looking motherfucker who’s a sheriff’s deputy in Salt Lake City, and who, in his own words, “beat the fuck” out of his own father because…wait for it…his wife was riding his daddy like a human Tilt-a-Whirl, or, ya know, like a 45-year old Minnesota woman. For the love of God won’t somebody please explain to me why a white man would screw his own daughter-in-law, in his son’s home? I mean, get a room people. Surely they must have Quality Inns in Utah.

And then there’s this: a white male youth sports’ coach in Kentucky apparently molesting six kids over whom he had supervisory responsibilities. You might be thinking, why does his race matter? Why mention that? Well, because, silly white people, remember what Bill O’Reilly taught you: pathology and deviant behavior can never just be about individually pathological people. There must be a connection to others who look like them. And so, in this case, guys who look like that actor, Michael Chiklis, are just gonna have to suck it up and be prepared to be profiled. Sorry about that Cheetah Chrome. But in your hearts, you know it’s the right thing to do. For the kids.

And white people, take note, your Egg McMuffin is not important enough to get in a fight over. Why can’t you wait your turn? Why you gotta stab people in the butt to get yours first? Ronald can make more, white folks. There are plenty of eggs and lots of ham, so just chill.

And when you kill people, why you gotta go and store their dead bodies in freezers, like this dude they just found last week? Were you planning on thawing him out later? Making soup? What? Dammit White America, when will the madness stop?

And what is up with all these white teachers having sex with their students? That’s right, another one accused of getting it on with a 15-year old, this time in New Jersey. Oh, and another one in Texas. And note, almost all of the teachers who have been caught doing this stuff — and there have been dozens and dozens in the last few years — have been white. Although many incidents never come to public attention, if the larger body of perpetrators racially mirrors those about whom we do know, the numbers could be staggering. Estimates are that as many as 4.5 million students nationwide are subjected to sexual misconduct on the part of school employees between kindergarten and 12th grade. This could mean literally hundreds of thousands of white sexual predators stalking the halls outside the biology lab, or AP English. Where are the white leaders on this? What is it about white society that is leading these white educators to molest the kids in their classes?

Oh, and yeah, Charles Manson. Just sayin. We gotta own that crazy bastard every couple of years.

And why is it that pretty much every time you hear about parents refusing medical treatment for their children — because they just know God’s gonna heal the kid — and then the children die, like happened again recently, it’s white folks? What is it about white people that allows us to so often believe in a magical God who can’t manage to stop wars or famine or genocides or global warming, but is gonna suddenly take time out of his busy schedule doing nothing to save our child from a fatal illness? How many more white children have to die in the service of this theological fanaticism? And I’m not saying that folks of color don’t believe in God. Oh hell no, they are more likely to believe in God than white folks, in fact. But when their kid is sick and dying, they take them to a doctor. Because, medicine, white folks, medicine. Sometimes it really works. Check it out.

And really now, sexually assaulting your female patients while you have them hopped up on pain meds, Doctor white guy? Where did you learn such deviance, such criminality? Was it perhaps from a white community where anesthesia sex is considered normal behavior? Don’t even bother denying it. We all know the truth, ya sick bastard.

Oh yeah, and Whitey Bulger. Shoulda’ known, with a name like Whitey. And from a cesspool of white pathology like South Boston no less! Maybe when Ted Nugent gets done machine gunning black and Latino folks in South Central L.A. from a helicopter, like he’s fantasized about, he can turn the chopper around and slaughter some nice former altar boys-turned mobsters in Southie.

Ooh, and I know it’s an old story but can we just revisit why white folks like Patricia Krentcil gotta go and burn themselves to a crisp in tanning booths? C’mon white people. Obama was trying to save us with that tanning booth tax. It wasn’t racist of him, like some of our yahoos apparently think. Hell, it was a gift, but oh no, we’re addicted, obsessed, unable to pull ourselves away from the UV lamps. Where’s Dr. Drew? Where’s that Van Vondren guy from that Intervention show? When will white America rise up and hold ourselves accountable for trying so hard to transform ourselves into human pita chips?

And holy hell, what is going on with white culture that can explain why white folks are always lying about their kid having some fatal disease so as to get sympathy and money from people? Seriously, I know you’ve heard of this, right? Some white mom who’s all, “Oh my kid has cancer,” and they don’t, but the mom shaves the kid’s head like they’ve been through chemo or some shit, and then sits back and collects the cash, like this sick ass. And when they get caught they always say, “Oh, I don’t know what made me do that.” Yeah? Well I think I do. Whiteness, motherfucker, whiteness. Too harsh? Too bad. Sometimes you just have to face the awful truth about white people and grifters, and how they’re pretty much, ya know, the same thing.

And finally, what makes white folks so racist? Like homicidal racist? Like, Walton Henry Butler racist. Which is to say, so racist that he can shoot a black guy in the head, just because the black guy asked him not to use racial slurs around children, and then get all indignant when the cops arrest him, for, ya know, shooting a guy in the head! Because as Butler explained, “I only shot a nigger.” Oh, well that clears it up. Thanks for the clarification, and for the confession. Now enjoy prison, jackhole.

And rest assured, it won’t be nearly as nice as the Quality Inn at the Mall of America.

As plenty of white folks can readily attest.


* A note here to address a good point raised by one of my readers, who criticized my using of this example because it seemed to amount to shaming a woman for her own voluntary sexual expression. The reader suggested that by criticizing her desire for multiple-partner sex, while not criticizing the police for arresting her on a charge of prostitution, I was, in effect, casting moral aspersions upon female sexual expression inappropriately. I want to make clear that the arrest was absurd. The only person it seems who made any money from this was the “gang bang organizer,” not the woman in question, so she surely should not have been arrested in any event. And I have no problem at all with any man or woman expressing their sexuality in whatever way they choose so long as it is voluntarily chosen by themselves and their consenting partner(s). In this case, I used this example because we all know that if a person of color was organizing gang bangs, or sleeping with 45 men in one night, the stigma that would attach when that was made public would not be merely a sexual and gendered stigma about women, as women. Rather, it would trigger all kinds of sexual stereotypes about black folks as black folks too, in ways it doesn’t when white folks are involved. So I was not seeking to shame the behavior, but rather note the double standard that attaches both for Scott Pollock and the woman in question. I certainly apologize for any misunderstanding in this regard and for any implicit sexism, however unintended, that may have been embedded in this example.

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